half of a fifth: a ramble

let me take a second to get rip roaring drunk
because fuck this
nothing i write is working
nothing i say is working
everything i think is destroying
everything

i've been drunk
almost everyday for the past
two weeks because
because i fucking can
because i can drink half a fifth in one afternoon
and a part of a bottle of wine
because for this whole afternoon
i wasn't consumed
i wasn't being eaten alive by my own thoughts
momisdeaddadisdrunksisterismolestedletsgetbeatenletskillbabiesboyfriendsangry ihatethisfuckingshit

none of that
was in me
and you know what?
it
felt
great.

On the other hand
I do regret
missing class
again
...and again
I do regret
not doing any homework for the last week
These are not things that I am proud of
These are not things that
I want

But sometimes
the bed just doesn't let you go
you can't move your body against the pressure of the room
until
magic bottles make you weightless
so let them litter the room
the cave that shuts me in from the world and from myself

maybe i'm depressed
maybe i don't want to talk to anyone because
i can't form the words
i don't want to be a complainer
i don't want to be the emo cry baby

and if you don't want to hear it
then go away
get off my page
read rainbows

...

the other day
my boyfriend got mad at me because he said that
i wasn't talking to him

i wasn't talking to him because
i was too busy crying
because my brain decided that
it was time to remember
my mom is dead
and she's never ever coming back
and i will never ever see her again for the rest of my entire life
and no one will ever know her
my children will never know her
my current friends will never know her
she will never hug me. i will never see the curves of her face.
i will never know her as an adult person
she's dead. my mother is dead.

and so
i tried to tell my boyfriend
i miss mom
and i was actually unable to say it
i tried so, so, so hard
but the words would not come out
and i realized
the last time i said
i miss my mom
aloud to someone
was in high school
and i was drunk off my ass
crying
on a trampoline

i am physically incapable of saying
I miss my own dead mother
because i don't want people to judge me
or think that i'm trying to get attention
for being a crybaby

your mom died
seven years ago...or whenever
stop using it as an excuse
get over it already
my dog died and he was my whole life
i got over after three years
it's seriously time you let it go

and i can't tell people
that i used to get the crap beat out of me
because that's an exaggeration and it was all in fun
and it's the way it goes

and i can't tell people
that i wish i had a two year old
to hold in my arms
because i'm a fucking idiot
and you're going to hell
murder and all that good shit

and i can't tell people
that there's a cousin that
ruined my sisters life
because she's a delinquent
and that's what she gets for doing drugs
youth are stupid
female youth are worse
and they get what's coming to them

yep
those some of the things
that i can't tell people
so i'll get crazy out of my mind

and tell the world.

That makes sense, right?
well whatever. I wasn't really asking you anyway.

go read a book.
....where's my cup?